Leaving for the Race in September my fear and anxiety surrounding the trip didn’t relate to living out of a backpack or going to a foreign country with no English. Instead, I found that all of my nervousness came from the idea of living with almost 40 other strangers. For months before I left all I could think about was “what if they don’t like me?” “What if they think I’m annoying?” I eventually came to the conclusion that I would show up and just put on the face that fit the crowd. I would become the perfect Christian girl who could take the color coded notes through every sermon and only listened to Lauren Daigle. I wouldn’t laugh too loud, would never share any of my true thoughts or opinions, and I would just wait it out the nine months until I could get home and finally take the mask off. As dramatic as it seems, this whole internal monologue was legitimate. I was totally prepared to play the part for almost a full year. 

Per usual: God had different plans. 

It took a while for Him to change my heart. Almost my full 6 weeks in Georgia training I refused to buy into my community. I categorized everyone in my mind and they had no chance to prove me any differently. Slowly but surely my squad started weaseling it’s way into my heart. I felt comfortable to be me in their presence. I was safe to be happy or sad or passionate in their presence without fear of being rejected. 

While in Costa Rica my squad and I split up for two weeks and spread out all across CR doing different ministries. And it wasn’t until my squad reunited after those two weeks that I realized these were my people. There was such giddiness to see one another again. Word vomits of everything we had experienced apart and everything that reminded us of another person while we were away. I found my self laughing so so hard on the five hour bus ride to another destination. Just giddy to be with my people again. I heard a squad mate say “wow I missed Delaney’s laugh” and in that moment felt so fully accepted. That was when I bought in. 

There is something that is just so hard about how to properly explain this kind of community. These are people who have never known one another before, and yet now they are seeing me at 6 am in my Walmart nightgown and leftover makeup from the day before. They are seeing me and comforting me through dengue fever and the stomach bug. They are pushing me through all the growth and guiding me back to the truth of The Father and truth of my identity in Him. There is no way to be fake around one another, not for a full 9 months. And yet we all somehow work together even with so many different personalities and thoughts and ideas. It’s honestly amazing. 

Gap I, I’m struggling to put into words my appreciation and love for you. I have experienced so much genuine joy living and serving alongside you. Every single day I have looked at every face in the squad and seen a glimpse of the Lord. You have taught me what true life giving relationships look like, how to say the hard thing with love at the center, and what the capital “c” Church looks like in action. 

I will never get enough of the dance parties and the laughing until I pee my pants. I will never have my fill of seeing God move and work through each person in such an intimate way. There will never be a day I regret doing this hard journey with each of you by my side. 

I came into this gap year planning to fake it until I somehow made it. And somewhere along the way I have found a group of people who make me feel like me. 

My love for Gap I is endless, and this is only a small snippet of what is in my heart for all 37 of you.

Thank you for the privilege and honor it was to know you and love this past 9 months. You guys are so freaking amazing it’s insane. 

All my love, 

Dsue